My dad died in 1997. In 2005, I lost my business. In 2006, I lost my dream home, my vehicle and my husband divorced me. But 2016…now this has been a hard year.
This has been a year of realizations for me. I realized that my dreams aren’t going to come true, not the way I planned them anyway. I realized I’m not as good of a person as I thought I was. Self-righteousness is ugly. I realized I can’t fix anything, not even myself (incidentally, this is the same realization I had at the end of 2015 but whatever).
I realized my kids are growing up and just don’t need me as much as they used to. I know they need me, just not in the same way. It’s an adjustment. I realized life is short and shouldn’t be wasted being unhappy. But, I also learned that doing things to make myself happy only makes me unhappier. Doing things for others does just the opposite.
Often, our lowest lows are balanced out with our highest highs. My year peaked in January when I got to fly for the first time and then spent two weeks on the road with my husband. I took over 3000 pictures and it sealed digital photography in my heart forever. My blog, athousandwordpic.com, was born out of that trip. Even now I spend hours traveling around the region looking for interesting things and people to photograph. It’s my bliss!
My lowest low was lower than I have been in many, many years. Depression, anxiety and even nagging thoughts of suicide have tormented me for months. It has seemed that my hopes and dreams were just one grasp away and then suddenly they were a million miles away. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t talk about what I was feeling. I couldn’t even cry. Some days I couldn’t stop crying. I was angry, scared and in total despair. I’m so thankful the Lord touched me and pulled me out of that state. I’m also very thankful for a mama that prays for me.
As this year ends, I find myself in a better state of mind, stronger somehow. For the first time in many months, I feel hopeful about the future. I pray 2017 doesn’t disappoint!